Inayat Bunglawala, Islamic Society of Britain – They’re here to “promote a greater understanding of Islam and to develop Muslim communities in Britain.” What a surprise.

Ismail Patel, Friends of Al Aqsa – This is a group all about helping Palestinians to prevent the Jews from vandalising a mosque. You’d think they would be better placed to help if they actually went there, but no, London is as close as they want to get, it seems.

Luqman Ali, Khayaal Theatre Company – (1100005). This is Muslim literature interpreted through drama and dance. Save me a ticket! Seriously though, why is that a charity?

M Iqbal Asaria, Afkar Consulting – this Islamic finance service is for Muslims only. Not whites-only, because that would be illegal and racist.

Majid Azeer, Palestine Return Centre – does what it says on the tin, they want to go home. But only when those evil Jews have gone, that is.

Mohammad Ali, Islam Channel – their aim is to “help Muslims succeed in the UK on economic, spiritual and educational fronts.”

Mohamed Basha, Arabic Cultural Community – again, this doesn’t seem to be an actual group, but one person speaking for all the Arab cultures in London.

Mohammad Habib ur Rahman, President Islamic Forum Europe – what a surprise, he’s getting the “Islam message across to non-Muslims.”

Mohamad Mounir Rai, Hounslow Jamia & Islamic Centre – (2648241). One of the few intelligible bits on this website is, “None shall be worshipped but Allah.” That looks like religious intolerance to me. And not very charitable either, is it? I’ve emailed them and asked them why they are a charity but there’s no reply as yet. That in itself is against the CC regulations so a lot of these supposed charities are going to get complained about twice.

Mohammad Kozbar, Lebanese League London – He is the secretary of trustees for Finsbury mosque and is into supporting Maronites globally. Who isn’t?

Mohammad Sawlaha, British Muslim Initiative – They’re into fighting Islamaphobia, and encouraging Muslim participation in UK public life. I don’t know about you, but I’m not scared of Islam. I’m scared of spiders, and that’s called arachnophobia. A phobia is a terrible fear. When I see a Muslim I don’t jump on a chair or run screaming from the room or flail at them with a rolled-up newspaper. Islamaphobia isn’t a real phobia. You could say I’m Islamabored or Islamahadituptohere, but definitely not scared.

Mohamed Mumtaz, Crescent Relief - (1087724). There is no mention of them anywhere on the Internet so I’m thinking that nobody knows who they are. Not much of a charity then, is it? Just keep sending those cheques, Ken!

Munier Hagus, The Eritrean Muslim Community Association – This group are “enabling the Eritrean community to lead successful lives in multicultural Britain.” Tell me about it! It’s really hard to lead a successful life in multicultural Britain for the rest of us as well.

Mustafa al Mansur, MOSAIC Foundation – They have lots of meaningless liberal drivel like “encouraging strength through diversity” on their website, and pictures of rich, white ex-hippies having posh dinners. Anyway, “strength through diversity” sounds like a worryingly similar concept to “divide and conquer.”

Mohammad Zabadne – Nobody on the internet, that’s for sure.

Mufti Barkatulla, Islamic Computing Centre in North London – They haven’t got a website, which is a little bit alarming if they’re trying to teach people about computers.

Naja Mohammad, Sri Lank Islamic Forum- UK – I think they spelled their name wrong and it’s meant to be Sri Lanka. Still, they’re supporting the Tamils and trying to get our government to listen to the Muslim point of view regarding Sri Lanka. Good luck, guys. They don’t even listen to the British point of view regarding Great Britain.

Professor Tariq Ramadan, Oxford University / Lokahi Foundation – (110250). Their aim is “to progress a more diverse society,” in the UK obviously.

Ruhul Trafader, 1990 Trust – (1012898) Aren’t you pleased that your taxes are paying this charity to “pioneer the interest of Britain’s black communities”? They should know that it’s not very “pioneering” though. So far, a lot of people are obviously doing the same thing. And they’re not pioneering the interest of Britain’s white communities. Again, that would be illegal and racist.

Riaz Wali, UK Islamic Mission – (250275). Apparently they have 40 branches in the UK and, yet again, they are a charity whose aim is to “spread the Islam message.” They also help the needy in war-torn, disaster-stricken places (Muslim people, obviously). At first I couldn’t find their charity number, so I emailed them and no less a personage than the President of UKIM, Maulana Shafiqur Rahman, got back to me. He demanded to know who I was and why I wanted to know. I’d got the charity number by then and simply told him the truth. “I’m a British taxpayer and I want to know where my money is going.” He never replied.

Riaz Ramzan, the Muslim Directory – this is a bit like the Green Pages (see above) apart from having “the ultimate objective to empower, strengthen and network the (Muslim) community in its economic, social and political contexts.” I don’t think anyone’s heard of it, though.

Ruqqaya Collector, NUS Black Student – She’s not mentioned on the net as anyone interesting.

Salma Yaqoob, Vice Chair Respect – She’s a bit of a racist, this one. She says that “Muslim and non-Muslims cannot work together.” Tsk tsk.

Salim Bhorat, Just Peace – This is another oddity. It’s a raving fundamentalist Catholic website. It’s just full of bible quotes, that kind of thing. Are they aware that they’re part of “63 prominent Muslims” supporting Red Ken? Again, my guess is, probably not.

Sheikh Haitham Al Haddad, Al Muntada Al Islami – I’ve already mentioned this group above.

Sheikh Islamil Gangat, Leyton Mosque

Sheikh Sulaiman Ghani, Tooting Mosque

Sir Iqbal Sacranie – ex-General Secretary of the Muslim Council of Britain. This wacky guy once said about Salman Rushdie, “Death, perhaps, is a bit too easy for him – his mind must be tormented for the rest of his life unless he asks for forgiveness to almighty Allah.” He was then awarded a knighthood for services to the Muslim community.

Soumaya Ghannoushi, Academic and freelance writer (as she is described in the Guardian) – She is also the director of research for the Islam expo as mentioned above.

Tanzeem Wasiti, Muslim Solidarity Committee – This was set up in New York to defend two Muslim men accused of terrorism in the States. What that’s got to do with the mayoral elections in London, I couldn’t tell you.

Tariq Dhaal, Pakistani Community Centre Brent – They recently held London’s first open-air Pakistani festival to celebrate independence and pay tribute to British Pakistanis. It was attended by LibDem MP Sarah Teather. I’m not sure why you should pay tribute to a group of people for merely existing. It’s not that hard.

Unaiza Malik – She is the treasurer of the Muslim Council of Britain and in 2003 helped launch an Islamic awareness week at the House of Commons, because of course they weren’t aware of Islam, like the rest of us.

Yasmin Qureshi, Prospective Parliamentary Candidate – She advises Red Ken on human rights issues and supports the right of women to wear veils. Say no more.

Zahir Birawi, Palestinian Forum in Britain – He is also the chairman of Leeds Grand Mosque, and one of 22 Muslims who signed a letter to the Times in support of Sir Iqbal Sacranie (see above) stating that homosexuality is a sin. Imagine 22 leaders of the Christian Church sending a letter to the Times stating that homosexuality is a sin, and getting it published!