We urgently need your help. As you will all know, MP’s expenses are under scrutiny like never before, by the traitorous British press, and as a result, we are having to curtail our claims on the public purse. One of the worst examples of this was the revelation, accompanied by much tittering, that Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, has claimed back the cost of pornographic films watched by her husband from the taxpayer funded Parliamentary Fees Office.

In our opinion, this is a legitimate expense, and we are frankly outraged at the sniggering, sneering attitude of the disgusting gutter press and its readers, who completely fail to understand the problems faced by government ministers and their spouses and partners.

Imagine, for a moment, that you were in the same situation: A normal person, with normal sexual urges, married to a government minister, who has to spend long periods of time away from home because of her job, thus making it impossible to get a shag.

Worse still, when your wife does come home, she is a revolting, white man hating Labour Party matron, with less sex appeal than the average slug. What on earth do you do?

The answer is, of course, that you resort to an old fashioned, guaranteed orgasm, no headache ‘five knuckle shuffle’ and, naturally, a few ‘adult films’ help the process along. (As does a box of tissues and a bottle of baby oil.)

As we will no longer be reimbursed for the cost of wank material, we are appealing directly to you, the right thinking and decent great British public, to send us as many X rated ‘fanny’ films as possible, so that we can create a library of material in the House of Commons, thereby preventing this appalling situation occurring again.

We are particularly interested in films which involve the following:

Lesbian lust and girl on girl action, no matter how improbable
Sucking off and oral sex
Inter racial sex: Black men with unfeasably large dongers having sex with unbelievably georgeous white women. (This is the only kind of sex we really approve of, as it is politically correct.)
Spanking and SM, as long as its legal
Farmyard animals
Domination and humiliation
Please, send your DVD’s (under plain cover), or a donation of £5 or more, so that we can buy stuff online, to:

The Right Honorouble Jacqui Smith MP,
Home Secretary,
Wank Material Appeal
House of Commons
London
SW1A 0AA

Please note: Please send new material only. Anything we receive which is in any way sticky or otherwise stained, will be rejected and destroyed. Also please note that it is not legal to send kiddie porn through the post, despite the fact that many Labour politicians enjoy material of that type, (and are serving jail terms as a result), so we have to be careful. Let us know where it is and we will send a government vehicle to collect it, no questions asked. Thank you for your understanding and generosity.

Originally Posted by Nicholas

We urgently need your help. As you will all know, MP’s expenses are under scrutiny like never before, by the traitorous British press, and as a result, we are having to curtail our claims on the public purse. One of the worst examples of this was the revelation, accompanied by much tittering, that Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, has claimed back the cost of pornographic films watched by her husband from the taxpayer funded Parliamentary Fees Office.

In our opinion, this is a legitimate expense, and we are frankly outraged at the sniggering, sneering attitude of the disgusting gutter press and its readers, who completely fail to understand the problems faced by government ministers and their spouses and partners.

Imagine, for a moment, that you were in the same situation: A normal person, with normal sexual urges, married to a government minister, who has to spend long periods of time away from home because of her job, thus making it impossible to get a shag.

Worse still, when your wife does come home, she is a revolting, white man hating Labour Party matron, with less sex appeal than the average slug. What on earth do you do?

The answer is, of course, that you resort to an old fashioned, guaranteed orgasm, no headache ‘five knuckle shuffle’ and, naturally, a few ‘adult films’ help the process along. (As does a box of tissues and a bottle of baby oil.)

As we will no longer be reimbursed for the cost of wank material, we are appealing directly to you, the right thinking and decent great British public, to send us as many X rated ‘fanny’ films as possible, so that we can create a library of material in the House of Commons, thereby preventing this appalling situation occurring again.

We are particularly interested in films which involve the following:

Lesbian lust and girl on girl action, no matter how improbable
Sucking off and oral sex
Inter racial sex: Black men with unfeasably large dongers having sex with unbelievably georgeous white women. (This is the only kind of sex we really approve of, as it is politically correct.)
Spanking and SM, as long as its legal
Farmyard animals
Domination and humiliation
Please, send your DVD’s (under plain cover), or a donation of £5 or more, so that we can buy stuff online, to:

The Right Honorouble Jacqui Smith MP,
Home Secretary,
Wank Material Appeal
House of Commons
London
SW1A 0AA

Please note: Please send new material only. Anything we receive which is in any way sticky or otherwise stained, will be rejected and destroyed. Also please note that it is not legal to send kiddie porn through the post, despite the fact that many Labour politicians enjoy material of that type, (and are serving jail terms as a result), so we have to be careful. Let us know where it is and we will send a government vehicle to collect it, no questions asked. Thank you for your understanding and generosity.

Yep, this is VERY obviously a spoof. It could never quite happen like this in the real world.

That 'legitimate expense' could never be seen to be such. I suggest that in order to remedy an otherwise intolerable situation, the obvious solution would be to ditch said Labour Party 'matron', and instead marry a far more exciting Conservative.

This would be a far better alternative. For one thing, they are more likely to have Conservative offspring (I'm in favour of outbreeding the Left at every opportunity ...) ! For another, I think that the general Public will be so very grateful to get the next Conservative Government elected, that in gratitude they're likely to look kindly upon their receiving what rewards they can from the public purse .... which takes care of that objection ...