A police officer pulls over a car and says

"Been Drinking Have we sir?"

"No" said the motorist. "Why was i driving erratically?"

"No" said the officer, "Its the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious!"

what`s red and sits in a tree?






....a sanitary owl.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "You as horny as I am? And she always acts like she's sound asleep!

I bet Adebayor didnt run to the front of the bus to confront the gunners the other day lol
　
(sick!)

A man is sick of his wife's cat so one night he drives to the edge of town and drops the little kitty off by the side of the road. The next morning he goes to work, coming home at 6pm that evening he's greeted by the cat, sitting on the front door step. Swearing to himself, he lets it inside.

That night he loads the cat back into the car and this time drives 2 towns away, dropping the cat off by the side of the road. That'll do, he thinks. So he drives home and the next day goes to work. Coming home that night he is once again greeted with the sight of the cat, waiting on the front door step like nothing ever happened. He once again swears to himself and lets it inside.

The next day he books the day off work, loads the cat back into the car and drives to the north coast of Scotland. He gets out, and leaves the cat by the side of the road, hops back in the car and starts the long drive home...

Five hours later, he phones his wife. "Hello" she says.

"Its me".

"Oh, where are you, I thought you'd be home hours ago"

"Yeah...had a few errands to run...honey?" says the man.

"Yes?"

"Is the cat there by any chance?"

"Yeah, he's sitting on my lap right now" she replies.

The man slams his fist into the steering wheel "Can you put the little bastard on, I'm lost"

A 2 seater airplane crashed into a graveyard in Ireland this morning and so far, the authorities have recovered 87 bodies.

3 kids playing football in a manchester street when a pit bull comes running over and starts attacking one of the boys.
without a thought one of the kids runs over with a knife and jumps on top of the pit bull and starts stabbing it until he finally thrusts the knife into the pit bulls heart and kiiling and freeing his mate.

a reporter from the manchester evening news is interviewing the kid and says thats the most heroic thing Ive ever heard in my life, I can just see the headlines young United fan save best friends from crazed pit bull.

I'm not a united fan replies the kid

ok ok heroic city fan save friends from rabid pit bull

I'm not a city fan either replied the kid


well if you don't support utd or city who do you support ?

I'm a Liverpool fan replied the kid


headlines in manchester evening news next day

Murdering scouser butchers family pet

what do you call a woman who misses her periods ?


A jammy dodger

A man was in his yard near the fence when he heard crying coming from the neighbors yard.
Looking over the fence he saw his neighbor's 5 year old daughter digging a large hole and crying.
The man asked her why she was digging a hole and crying.
The little girl sobbed that she was burying her goldfish.
The man asked why such a large grave for a little goldfish.
Replying through her tears, the little girl said;
"Because he's inside your ****ing cat!"

paddy pulls alongside a lorry: 'oi driver, yer losing yer load'

driver says: 'f*** off!!!'

5 miles further along the road

paddy once again pulls up again 'yer losing ya load!!'

driver says: 'will you f*** off!!'

5 miles further down the road

paddy yells 'im not jokin u are losing ya load!!'

driver says 'will you f off u thick irish git, im gritting the f..ing road!!!'

An American walked into a bar in Ireland and asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a joke about Dublin.
The bartender drops his smile and tells the American; "I'm from Dublin. See that big fellow over there, he's from Dublin and big Tommy at that table, he's from Dublin also. Are you sure you want to be telling a joke about Dublin?"
The American replied; "Not if I have to explain it three times."

its that cold in liverpool scousers have been seen with their hands in their own pockets

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". http://www.cleanitup.co.uk/smf/Smileys/classic/grin.gif

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.





The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.





The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.





The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'





It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.





The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'





The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her.
"See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man," she says.
The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.
"Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks.
"Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week."

Re: jokes to cheer us up

If Tommy Cooper were alive today


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die

My Next Life:

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spalike conditions: central heating and room service on tap.

Until finally ... You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

You've got the outline there for a terrible film starring Brandgelina.

Originally Posted by Opinionated

You've got the outline there for a terrible film starring Brandgelina.

Actually, Lucy, it starred Brad, the other half of the equation stayed home.

You sure she wasn't looking for more "brown babies"?

Originally Posted by Opinionated

You've got the outline there for a terrible film starring Brandgelina.

I thought that film was great! Brad Pitt's best performance I've seen.