jonathan ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from kmart
ross says "its a whisk he was prepared to take"

police stop a pakistani driving a transit on the motorway
policeman says "do you know the limit is 70?"
the driver leans into the back and says "hear that?"
"three of you have to get out"

I like that second one a lot

paddy and mick came to london to donate sperm.
it was a disaster
paddy missed the tube and mick came on the bus

1,000 women in Washington DC were asked if they would would have sex with former President Bill Clinton; 247 said never again.

whats the difference between cheryl cole and the icelandic volcano?
the volcano is still blowing ash

scientists have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.
..............its called TRYDIXAGAIN

if you think life is bad how would you like to be an egg???
you only get laid once
you only get smashed once
it takes 4 minutes to get hard
..and only 2 minutes to get soft
you share your box with 5 other guys
...and after 3 minutes in the hot tub you get your head smashed in and get a good poking by a load of soldiers
worst of all the only bird that ever sat on your face was your mother
so cheer up! life aint bad!

a psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with with four young mothers and their small children
you all have obsessions he observed
to the first mother mary he said
"you are obsessed with eating. you even named your daughter candy"
to the second mum ann he said
"you are obsessed with money.this is the reason you called your daughter penny"
to the third mum kathy
"you are obsessed with alcohol.this shows in your daughters name brandy"
at this point joyce , the fourth mum ,quietly stands and whispers to her son
"come on dick , this guy has no idea what he is talking about. lets get willy from school and go home"

mad mary was whizzin around the hospital in her wheelchair when suddenly she was stopped by crazy colin
"license please"said crazy colin
mad mary sped round the corner and she was stopped by larry the looney
"insurance please" said larry
off she sped down the corner until she was stopped again by dave the donkey , naked with a 12 inch hard on
"oh no" she cried
"not the bloody breathalizer again!"