Right people. Here is one for you. This is a true story about one cold and misty christmas night when Santa came to town. (SERIOUSLY! IT IS TRUE!).

When I was a cop, I remember standing on the top of the covers to the covered walk ways in a shopping precinct one night. Must have been 24/12 going into 25/12.

Along comes this drunk, Bouncing of the windows, talking to the lamp post, you know the feeling, I know I do.

Any way, I watched him for about five minutes. Then thought "I'm bored"...

OH DEAR! You all know what can happen when von is bored.

"In my deepest, "DEATH" voice, all Terry Pratchett fans will know what I mean. Most people write with capital letters. DEATH speaks in capital letters.

"YOU!" (Oh, he also uses a LOT of exclamation marks).

Drunk looks around. Of course I am about five meters above him. No one there.

He carries on, muttering.

"YOU!". Drunk stops, turns around in three directions at once. One of them not even dreamed about by Einstein.

"what" (because drunks allways talk in small letters....with NO exclamation marks).

"YOU!"

"what....me?" (They are allowed question marks)

"YES! YOU!

"huh?"

"THIS IS THE DARKEST FATHER CHRISTMAS IN THE COSMOS TALKING TO YOU FRED!"

"hmmm...hick, 'ow do ypou know i am fred?" (I had locked him up many times)

"I AM THE DARKEST FATHER CHRISTMAS IN THE COSMOS! I KNOW EVERYTHING!"

"wha'..."

"YES! FRED! YOU WILL GET NO PRESENTS TONIGHT! YOU HAVE BEEN BAD! YOUR WIFE HAS MADE THE SUPPER SPECIALY AND IT HAS GONE COLD! FRED!"

Fred then does his shop window bouncing trick again, and staggers off at a VERY fast rate of knots. Shouting at the world that he is being ****ing picked on.

Two hours later, I am back in the station. In comes our sergeant, dressed in a full Father christmas suit, holding....Fred.

I am taking the charge desk.

"Yes Sergeant, what can I do for you?"

" I found this man hiding under a bench in Wallasey precinct. I asked him what he was doing. He replied "I am being chased by the darkest Father christmas in the cosmos". His breath smelt of intoxicating liqor, he could not stand, he could not give me his address. In my opinion he was drunk. (NO ****ING SHIT BATMAN!) So I knicked him"

"Right Fred, you have heard the charge, you do not (miranda rules)...Have you any thing to say?"

"it's not fair, i was picked on by the dark cosmic father christmus thingy....hick....then i thought i was ok, cus the...hick real father christmas came along....and he...he he he..... arrested me".

With which he breaks into drunken tears.

I feel REALLY bad about that night....so I do....