The "top 50 achhievements" of the New Labour government are cited at the party's web site here:

Labour: Labour's top 50 achievements since being elected in 1997

This is an off-the-top-of the-head response to said list:

Hmm.

Let's forget all about the credit crunch, the mortgage situation, and the price of everything skyrocketing as we speak, shall we?

Bit out of date these achivements, methinks!

Er no - it's on the New Labour web site as we speak.

Don't THEY get told what's happening outside the Westminster Village?
Wow!

Do the sweat shop Indian kiddies who supply Primark et al know about this?

Yeah.

Most of 'em Blunkett Bobby - cartoon cut-outs, good for a hoodie laugh but not much use otherwise.

Boll***s!

If you believe this, your name is Gordon Brown.

Even more boll***s!

If you believe this your name is Napoleon and you live in a nice, self-contained rubber room in Broadmoor.

This could be true.

As it would have have to be when you lower the standards to the point where you get extra marks if you write "f*** off" on your exam paper.

Yep.

Hurl the money at projects like Jane Lane's "even-babies-can-be- racists"-so-get-whitey-early project.

Employment OF FOREIGNERS is at its highest level ever.

Yep.

Now how about writing 100% of the debt of the hard up British, Gordon?

No?

That's what I thought you'd say.

Most of them from the third world.

Some of these have AIDS, one or two don't know what an aspirin is and others don't think washing their hands is all that necessary.

I wonder how many of these would be home-grown and indigenous?

Not so many, I guarantee.

Well, whoopee!

If it's true.

Yep.

The Scots got to govern themselves. Now what nationality is Gordon Brown again?

And what nationality is Tony Blair?

After allowing the Scots to govern themselves, The Irish Scot, Tony B Liar employed almost 50 times as many Scots in his cabinet and Ministries as he ought to have done, in respect of their incidence in the general population.

I suspect wee Gordie's chauvinistic preferences aren't far short of the cited anti-English statistic.

OK.

How does this affect the absent dads of the black community?

What does this mean?

NU-speak usually covers up some bulls*** or other.

Nobody sent me a gift!

Under Red Ken Livingstone!

And New Labour is claiming this as an achievement?

Yeh.

All the more money for the wallet-stuffers, seeing as most students nowadays leave further education tens of thousands of pounds in debt.

And if you are in the habit of watching The Weakest Link you will have noted that, in Airstrip 1 these days, most students can't add up, take away, multiply, divide or spell.

Yep.

Whack the cash to the ethnic fast-breeder. That's going to make the rest of us feel a lot better.

See answer 8.

In order to torture Whitey even more!

They're going to need it with the price of fuel going through the roof.

Bulls***!

What about this 6th runway you're planning to build at Heathrow!

OK.

Spot the difference - 36,000 - 274,000.

Is there anyone out there who wouldn't rather have the figures the other way around?

Tell that to Abdul, Mohammed and the 300 illegal 5p-an-hour coolies they've got stashed in the cellar.

The credit crunch and the massive price rises will stick 'em right back where Big Brother thinks they belong.

I didn't have much when I was a kid but boy oh boy, was I happier than our kids are now.

A New Labour apparatchik wishes to quibble. Check this out, jobsworth:

In February 2007, UNICEF released a report stating that the UK was the worst place in the developed world for children to grow up. Family breakdown, drink, drugs and fear of violence have left British kids 21st out of 21 in the happiness table.

This despite the fact that Britain is the fourth wealthiest nation in the world. Robert Whelan of Civitas said:

The United States ranked second bottom in this child welfare table. And yet the Blairs and the Bushes think they have the right to export their brutal vision of the perfect society to the rest of the world.

Oh, and beware of words like "relative".

More cash for immigrants.

Yeh.

Promote the botty burgler and demote heterosexual marriage.

That'd be good if you're at war with a country's culture and institutions.
Oh yeah?

Whose living in these homes?

Last time I was in a hospital waiting room, there were around a hundred immigrant types in front of me.

I figured my health would be better served elsewhere. Some place where there wasn't 100 sick foreigners all huddled together in a small room. I left without being checked out.

I'm still here.

I wonder how many working-class folk whose countryside jobs depended on foxhunting are working now?

Adolf Hitler banned foxhunting in Germany. 15 years after he banned it, the fox was extinct in that country.

You sure?

Let's get Blair and Brown to taste the water in the rivers near Sellafield, shall we?

Good.

How about free TV licences for over-65s?

Have you?

Are you sure this isn't still going on? How about all these countries you trade with? Is it still happening there?

What?

You mean it's not free for all women?

Good.

Part-time work; bulls*** work and job opportunities for foreigners.

Yeh, we know all about it.

Yeah.

And I bet they don't last long when the credit is really crunching.

How about free eye tests for everyone?

That's how it used to be. Who changed things?

Pardon me?

Everyone knows apprenticeship is a dark age concept. Nu Labour and the Tories have seen to that.

Do you mean double as in 2 x 50 bottle-washers = 100 bottle-washers?
Something like that?

I suspect you do.

Oh?

I didn't know this. I must partake.

Yep.

More of our money for Jomo Foreigner.

Really?

Can I see the uncooked figures, please?

Hmm.

How about youth unemployment overall?

I mean there does seem to be lots and lots and lots of surly, slit eyed hoodies knocking about in the afternoons these days.

They can't all be happy night shift workers.

Yeh.

At the kind of nurseries where Jane Lane's little, red book instructs the childminder to look for baby racists.

Good.

How about free fruit for all our schoolkids?